My breaths were deep and measured. Each exhale released burdens that were not mine to carry and each accompanied inhale brought forth a renewed life force that was cool and crisp. I allowed myself to surrender completely and was carried along a stream of stars and dust, lazily suspended amongst perfect stillness. This peaceful detachment of my essence of being from my physical body was the epitome of contentment.
I had finally found the quiet that I desperately sought – pure silence and stillness.
And I did not want to come back.
Inevitably, as it always does, I crashed back into my physical form with my energy humming and my palms overheating. My eyes snap open, I’m back in reality, and while I maintain some of the lightness of being, the world comes into harsh focus.
Such is my daily meditation journey.
I have always been a “casual meditator” over the years – a calming breath here, and uttered ohm there, but never engaged in a formal practice until mid-2020, in the midst of a global pandemic, when I was gripping to the sharp edges of my sanity, desperate for some grounding force. I began doing a nightly meditation before bed to help bring my anxiety down to a manageable level in the hopes that a few hours of uninterrupted sleep could be within reach before a new day with the old stressors arrived once again.
I freed myself from any perceived “meditational norms” and focused on breathing and centering myself, but as the years marched forward I decided to try out a meditation app where I would have a soothing voice guide me through the meditation with visualizations. I was curious to see if I would reach a deeper state of relaxation and if my meditation practice would be permanently altered.
Did I mention I was hearing impaired?
Undaunted by that small fact (per usual), I dove right into a guided meditation. I settled in my favorite position, closed my eyes, took a few deep calming breaths, hit play…
And got substantially aggravated at the fact that I couldn’t understand “The Voice”. I was straining to hear each phrase, wondering if I was supposed to be “visualizing a meadow” or “feeling mellow”…was it “walk to the stream” or “talk and scream”?
What it was, was superbly unproductive, stressful, and fury-inducing.
So that was the end of that experiment.
I then decided to try an in-person guided meditation experience. On the surface, this seemed like a much better idea considering that a “live voice” in closer proximity would surely be far more accessible than a canned, electronic narrative.
I was very eager for this in-person experience, felt positively about it and was energized to try something new right up until the point the group leader put on singing bowl music…and asked us all to close our eyes.
Remember that little fun fact about my being hearing impaired?
There is nothing worse than being asked to close your eyes – and then follow orally presented directions.
Needless to say, nirvana was not achieved.
I value my meditative practice and continue to twist and tweak little bits here and there during my nightly astral travel sessions – but this is yet another activity for me that is solitary and self-created due to my inability to effectively access the spoken word options that are available to others.
Namaste…on my own.
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