Hello, my name is Brad. I’m a recovering perfectionist.
That’s a joke. On more than one level. My hearing isn’t what anyone would call perfect. I’m not perfectly hearing, nor am I perfectly Deaf. And I have the unmitigated gall to call myself a perfectionist? My nerve knows no bounds.
Last week, I wrote about introversion. And I think that comes into play here. Peopleing takes a lot out of me. But what I want to talk about today goes beyond that. This week I want to talk about asking for hearing help. And the guilt that invariably follows close behind.
I have this hypocritical thing I do. I never begrudge anyone needing help. I don’t think less of them. I don’t make them feel like a burden to receive a little something extra from me. Unless that “anyone” is me. I have a hard time asking for help. Help of any kind. I’d pull a Magelen rather than ask someone to step aside. I’d crawl around on the floor because my ankle doesn’t support my weight rather than call someone for help. I’d miss out on the joke rather than ask someone to repeat it.
I’m trying to shuck my habit of thinking that asking for help is admitting failure. Everybody needs a little help from time to time. I know this. But it doesn’t stop the feelings of failure. And being a burden. Asking for help is burdening others. Or so I feel. Notice I said “feel” and not think. Because I know that’s not the case. And even if it were the case, I know I’m worth the extra help. But I’m knew at this whole asking for help thing.
Katherine Rybak’s Becoming Hearing Empowered is helping. I recently came across this quote: “Often, you will need to provide specific instructions for your communication partner. Remember, you are not burdening them, you’re educating them” (p. 111) I can do that. My job is all about educating patrons; how to use a piece of tech, how to find that book. And a page earlier, Rybak advised to reframe my thinking about asking for conversational help. Rather than think I’m asking for the help for me, think that I’m asking for help for the conversation. That way “…the communication exchange is successful.”
It wasn’t until the height of COVID that I even started to do so. Because I really had no choice. Not if I wanted to continue to be a librarian. My first baby step was getting my button saying “Please be patient, I’m hard of hearing”. It was a passive act. I don’t have to muster the courage to self-identify. The button does it for me. When people read it. Which, ironically, isn’t a sure thing even in a library. It soon became apparent that passivity wasn’t a panacea. I needed to start asking for help. I need to start self-identifying.
Repeatedly.
In my eyes, even self-identifying is asking for help. Even when I do self-identify, people forget to talk one at a time. Or when they do, to repeat what I couldn’t make out in the cross-talk. Even when I do self-identify, people still forget to put on the captions. Even when I do self-identify, salesmen forget and ask for a time to call.
Self-identifying, asking for captions, asking for captions, asking to use email in the stead of the phone, asking for a rephrase, asking for people to face me, asking for people to not talk to me from another room, asking for people to not talk over one another, asking for people to wait and not whisper, asking for anything leave me feeling guilty.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Having finally put on my big boy pants and started to ask for help has made asking for help easier. But easier is still a far hue and cry from easy. The guilt is still there. The guilt will always be there. It’s a softened guilt, for sure, but its presence prevents my asking for help from ever being easy. I feel my guilt stems from my problem with the myth of the self made man.
This country holds up men (and it’s usually men) that accomplish great feats as a paragon of success. And there’s no room for help in those cases. They have what it takes to get ahead. The only time help comes into play is when they help themselves to what they need. And instead of being deemed selfish, they’re lauded for their strength. Might make right. Rugged individualism made this country what it is. I question whether that’s as great a thing as it’s held up to be. And this questioning has led to my internalizing my asking for help as a failure.
And so, this dissonance between my inner beliefs and the outer message of what it takes to be successful leads to me feeling guilty at asking for help.
Interconnected,
And not individuals.
Help helps you and me.
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