Not too long ago, I had lunch with three other DHH folks. This wasn’t my first time eating out with someone with hearing loss. I ate out with my dad every Monday night when we were both in the MGH bowling league. He would sit with right ear pointing towards the server. Not that he needed to, I would mime drinking when they asked what we wanted to drink and order for us when that time came. (ASIDE: I didn’t know it at the time, but miming tilting a cup at the lips is the ASL sign for drink. The intuitive nature of so many signs is one of the brilliant things about ASL.) I’d long since mastered the skill of talking so my dad could hear most of what I was saying. I have a literal lifetime of practice. But the way my dad advocates for his hearing needs is still a work-in-progress.
I also had a few meals at the HLAA national convention back in June of 2024. That was a very different experience. Those meals that I had with fellow DHH people that weren’t in the convention space proper, were still at the hotel. If someone didn’t hear the server, they had no trouble asking for a repeat. The servers also were forewarned of our hearing needs because they knew there was a DHH convention in the hotel.
I’d also eaten out with my spectacular co-host, Julie, on a number of occasions. That, too, was a different experience. Since at those times there were just two people, it allows for close-quarters conversations. This was the first time I’d eaten out with multiple people in a restaurant that wasn’t expecting to serve a table-worth of DHH folks. So here are three L’s that I found helpful to pay attention to.
Light
We got there early so that we could make our needs known. The first of which was a table by a wall. That way there was one place that sound wouldn’t be thrown at us. This particular restaurant had walls and windows alternating along its side. As a family sat at the table next to us, they asked to pull the blinds. And when they did, it got much darker. Which might have caused a problem for me.
I was sitting facing the window and Anthony was fitting with his back to the window and they meant he was in partly shadow. Fortunately, it didn’t cause any issues for me. It was the afternoon on a sunny day. That meant there was enough light coming from other windows.
If it was night, if it was cloudy, or if it was windowless, then interior lighting would have come into play. I’ve been in restaurants a-plenty that like to set the mood with light so dim you need a flashlight to read the menu. Forget about lip-reading my dining partner. I’ve also been in restaurants with a light that hangs down so low that it blocks my view of anyone at the table. Flickering lights, be it faux flames or real, can also make it tougher to lip-read.
The lighting is something you can see straight away. Something that can take a bit to make itself known is volume.
Loud
Another benefit of getting there early was we got to scope out where the speakers were. We ended up sitting between two of them. Which was better than sitting just below one. If the sound was being served up directly on us like some auditory hors d’oeuvres, it can make things all but impossible to hear. That wasn’t the case this time. Most likely because of the second factor of volume; background conversations.
Sitting against the wall cuts off background chatter from one direction. But the other four directions are still a factor. There were only a smattering of people left, right, and forward of our table. That meant there were less conversations to drift up to the ceiling and deflect back down on us. Looking up possible restaurants, we discarded a couple thanks to them having those exposed beams and yawning ceilings. I love the look of those types of restaurants but the echoes make for a nigh impossible dining experience.
Then there was a more personal factor. Us,.
We could get LOUD. While our hearing aids helped us hear the others, as well as our own, voices, sometimes we would get animated ranting about challenges we DHH people face in a world not suited for us and cause a ruckus. It can be tough to moderate the volume of our voices. I can’t speak for Julie, Anthony, or Mara but for me, I often have trouble figuring out how loud my voice is. That can be doubly-hard when my poor little brain is trying to sift through background noise. I went the first 23 years of my life not hearing a lot of the background noise around me. My brain never learned how to effectively hear around it. In fact, that was one of the biggest adjustments I made when I got my first set of bionic ears; trying to deal with background noise that I’d not heard before. Yet another reason to get to a restaurant early, less background noise.
As we were getting ready to leave, the place got more crowded, which meant there were more people creating more background noise. Not just that but music was turned up to compensate. That would have been a problem.
Listen
There’s a difference between sympathy and empathy. People can sympathize with the challenges those of us with hearing loss face. But unless they have hearing loss themselves, they can’t empathize. When I’m talking about a challenge I face due to my hearing loss, I can tell if the person has gone through the same thing. There’s no substitute for experience. And dining out whilst hard of hearing is a shared struggle. The lunch was a fantastic bonding experience. It’s so validating to connect with fellow hard of hearing folks. But that doesn’t spare us from introducing some of the very same challenges we’re bonding over ourselves.
Active listening is draining. It’s ironic to be talking about the challenges of being hard of hearing with people who are too while that very conversation is an example of the challenge. The four of us were all considerate of this. We would always make sure we were enunciating our words. We would always take care not to cover our mouths. We would always speak with a measured speed. All things we need to often remind others to do. That’s not to say we didn’t always practice proper DHH etiquette.
There were a few times when we’d talk over one another. There were a few times when side conversations occurred. To me, that proves how ingrained the ignoring of hearing needs is in society. We, who should know better, still fall victim to it. But only occasionally. Overall this was the easiest round of active listening I’d ever done. And in such a challenging environment, too! It was wonderful.
Healthy hearing needs,
Just like dietary needs,
There’s no one answer.
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