Back in September of last year, we did an episode on hearing buddies. Our thoughts on the topic were very different. It was our seventh episode. It set the tone quite early. Just because we have the same struggles doesn’t mean we have the same feelings. In the stead of driving a wedge between us and causing the show to crumble before we built anything solid, it formed the foundation of the show. We’d said “there’s no one way to be deaf” from the outset. And this was the first time we disagreed so vehemently.
Now, more than a year later, we wanted to revisit the topic. Because things have changed.
Sorta.
Julie’s Thoughts
“Oh! I have a Hearing Buddy at work! Do you have a Hearing Buddy?” were the words that tumbled out of Brad’s mouth.
I shrunk back inwardly, fighting to keep my facial expressions neutral. I paused before responding, desperate to squash the disdain and judgment threatening to drip off each spoken syllable. We were in the precarious stage of a new partnership – focused on creating a weekly YouTube series, connected by our desire to raise awareness and advocacy in service of the hard of hearing community, but nowhere near establishing the bond that we have together now. And, to be perfectly honest, when he dropped those absurd statements – I had a moment where I wondered if this was someone I could even stand working with over an extended period.
I heard what he said, but had no clue what he was talking about, and the best way that I can describe it is that it sounded synonymous with him stating, “Oh! I have a Cabbage Patch Kid doll that I carry around with me at work! His name is Baldwin James! Do YOU have a Cabbage Patch Kid doll that YOU carry around with you? What is the name of YOUR Cabbage Patch Kid doll?!”
I thought it was dumb.
The concept of a “Hearing Buddy” (insert eyeroll here) is that someone in your workplace, educational setting, even a family event, serves in the role of being “your ears”. This person is always listening for you, filling you in on what you have missed in a conversation, work meeting or during a classroom lecture. For example, your “Hearing Buddy” (barf) may share their class notes with you so you can compare their notes with yours to ensure that you had all of the content needed. In the workplace, your “Hearing Buddy” (cringe) may be rephrasing or repeating questions or comments that you may have missed or misheard.
I have been fortunate to have had well placed peers through my education and later in the workforce, that I have been able to rely on when I have had questions about class notes, assignments, work meetings, and social interactions. I take no issue with having allies, because my journey through this life with a hearing loss has been a lonely one. I suppose one could argue that the term “Hearing Buddy” (gross) is synonymous with ally – but I vehemently disagree.
Let’s start with how it sounds – say it outloud – “Hearing Buddy” (absurd). It sounds juvenile, and from my perspective, it diminishes the ability of the person with a disability. The use of a casual, “cutesy” term is cringe-inducing and disrespectful. The use of this term glazes over that which may be uncomfortable for typical people. A person with a disability is not considered “intact” to the non-disabled majority, therefore using language that sounds “safe” and “immature” matches misinformed perceptions related to the person in question’s intelligence and abilities.
Next, consider that the use of the term, “Hearing Buddy” (vile) automatically implies that every person that is deaf/hard of hearing requires assistance. Clearly, with our impaired hearing, it is impossible to imagine that we are doing just fine on our own, thanks. The automatic assumption that all people with disabilities require assistance from others is a problematic and pervasive narrative, as well as a common micro-aggression that many of us with disabilities have encountered with alarming frequency.
I continue with challenging the concept of a “Hearing Buddy” (nauseating) as akin to granting the power to someone with typical hearing to serve in a savior role for the person with hearing loss. By appointing someone as your “Hearing Buddy” (vulgar) you have handed over your personal agency. You have surrendered your ability to determine what is a priority item from a work meeting or critical information from a lecture. The decision making has been transferred and it is impossible for anyone to determine the needs of another.
I recognize that the concept of a “Hearing Buddy” (disgusting) is well-intentioned. Personally, you can call it what you want – but I will continue to determine what accommodations I need, and will ask for assistance as it is warranted for my particular hearing needs. I would never hand over control of necessary accommodations and modifications to another person – much less a “Hearing Buddy” (hideous).
I still think it’s dumb.
Brad’s Thoughts
Back in September of last year, we did an episode on hearing buddies. Our thoughts on the topic were very different. It was our seventh episode. It set the tone quite early. Just because we have the same struggles doesn’t mean we have the same feelings. In the stead of driving a wedge between us and causing the show to crumble before we built anything solid, it formed the foundation of the show. We’d said “there’s no one way to be deaf” from the outset. And this was the first time we disagreed so vehemently.
Now, more than a year later, we wanted to revisit the topic. Because things have changed.
Sorta.
Brad’s Take
I was a shy kid. So much so that at my eighth grade graduation celebration, I was voted most shy. And given a neon orange hat to help me stand out. I’m quite proud of that feat. I was literally head and shoulders taller than many of my classmates but I could still disappear in a crowd? Introvert achievement unlocked!
I’m not as shy as I once was but it’s still hard being the center of attention. And that’s exactly what asking for accommodations is. I need people to pay attention to me and my hearing needs. It took a global pandemic to get me to start doing it.
When our new children’s librarian started , I’d only just begun to do it with any regularity. Putting my hearing loss out front during the get-to-know-you stage of our friendship was something I’d never done before. And in the nascent days of my advocacy, I needed her to do me a solid. I was far too timid to speak up all the time.
She made meetings easier and those desk shifts we shared were easier, too. Having someone actively aware of my hearing loss was new to me. I dare say most people don’t think about my hearing loss until it gets in the way of some interaction or another. In those early days, she was a safety net. If I had trouble both hearing something and saying something, I knew I could count on her.
And that repeated exposure to how the world would not, in fact, end if I asked for someone to rephrase something allowed me to get desensitised to the anxiety. For there is always at least some anxiety when I ask for help. It’s an extremely vulnerable feeling. It’s hard not to feel like I’m less than the other person. I literally cannot continue the conversation without them altering how they’re talking.
In most cases, I’ve grown out of the need for a hearing buddy.
While I still don’t speak up every time I should, I’m doing so far more frequently. The feeling of vulnerability, of “less-than”, of I can just bluff my way through this conversation so I don’t need to ask for help, are all still very much present. I don’t know if they’ll ever go away. Those feelings are deeply grooved into my being. I didn’t even acknowledge them for thirty-five years. Like all decades-long habits, it’s going to take a long time to disempower those feelings. If I ever can.
I know I’ll never have the same visceral reaction to the concept as Julie. At the same time, I don’t need a hearing buddy to speak up for me every time either. And as with most things, there’s a lot of space between the two extremes. Case in point, there are a lot of different areas where a hearing buddy may be needed no matter your feelings on them.
We presented for the HLAA DownEast Chapter a few weeks back. We played a clip of our show to give people a sense of what our show is like. We chose a clip from the Hearing Buddies episode because it highlights our differences. And because Rocky makes a cameo! After the clip we had a great back-and-forth. Andy mentioned water cooler talk at work. He’s all for a hearing buddy during those times. Both Julie and I agreed that a hearing buddy beats being slapped with that dreaded “nevermind.” Margaret mentioned the “fun” that is the airport. In bustling environments., sometimes you don’t know you need to speak up. And having someone keep an ear out for you is crucial.
I love that Down the Tubes jump-starts conversations like these. The DHH Community is such a phenomenal source of empathy, of advice. And who knows who needs the help of a hearing buddy if we’re not talking about it.
It’s not a weakness,
everyone needs help sometimes.
Better together.
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