May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I want to share a mental health struggle I have. I struggle mightily with Imposter Syndrome; the fear that I’m a fraud despite evidence to the contrary
Imposter Syndrome is not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th edition; more commonly – and more easily – referred to as the DSM-V. (Why do we love Roman Numerals so much?) It can lead to anxiety disorders found in the DSM-V but it’s not an official disorder itself. I wanted to make that clear so I don’t belittle people fighting more serious fights.
OK, disclaimer done, let me tell you what I fear.
I fear I’m not really deaf. Well not deaf enough anyway. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. I fear that I’ll be walking across the library and hear my name, which leads someone to think I’m just faking. I fear that I’ll be at a Deaf and Hard of Hearing event and I’ll hear something no one else in my little huddle does, which leads someone to think I shouldn’t be a part of the community. I fear I’ll be at a gathering and introduce myself to someone as hard of hearing, but since I’m hearing the other person just fine (or so they believe), they’ll think I’m lying.
These fears are based on experience. I’ve been told I’m not deaf. I’ve been told I’m a burden. It doesn’t matter that those experiences were born from ignorance, nor does it matter that those experiences are as rare as a visit from Halley’s Comet. That’s not how mental health works.
Imposter syndrome doesn’t care about facts. It latches onto any “proof” that I’m a phoney with great alacrity. It affects more than just my deafness, too. I fear that I’m not good enough at technology so I shouldn’t be doing tech help sessions, that I’m not a good writer, that I’m doing my workouts wrong, my meditations wrong, taking care of my dog wrong.
These fears don’t creep out from the shadows everyday, they’ve even become less creepy as of late, but they’re always lurking. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever get over. Not completely. Going down the tubes has both helped and harmed my struggle. I’ve met so many great people, people who I hear better than, which makes me doubt I should even call myself hard of hearing. But at the same time the common theme that’s echoed frequently, and not just by Julie and me, is that there’s more than one way to be deaf. Not to mention the feedback we’ve received has been tremendously positive.
Maybe I’m overthinking things.
Scratch that, I know I’m overthinking things.
While introverts don’t have a monopoly on Imposter Syndrome, the deep thinking that’s our hallmark makes it common. I wish that I could think deeply about all the great collaborations with organizations I’m establishing, all the meaningful connections with people I’m making, all the coming to terms with both my introversion and my hearing loss within myself that the great work I’m doing is bringing.
But that’s not how Imposter syndrome works.
Not an imposter,
I think I know this is true.
Thinking isn’t feeling.
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